Yesterday I marched with about 4 million other men, women and children, both young and old, black, white, latino, muslim, Christian, agnostic, athiest, Buddhist and otherwise. There was no economic divide. There was no divide between those who “believed” in abortion and those who didn’t because all that mattered was that people had freedom of “choice.” Shit…there are so many battles on the field right now that even protesters
I want to see cherry blossoms in Tokyo and the paper houses of the world. I want to see global marvels that rival the greatest adventurer’s memory banks. I want to see it all. I want to taste new foods and see new faces. I want to meditate in a jungle with children and see flowers that have blinking eyes and walk away from the Empire which was my home. I need to abandon the protection I’ve grown so used to and look people in the eye. Kind people. Dangerous people. Colorful and curious people. I want to photograph everything I see in case you never get to. I want to snuggle with an elephant and be surrounded by wolves. I want to listen to strange birds and wonder at strange creatures, majestic and tiny, each as nature would have them be.
I want to go mad. I want to break the chains that bind. I need to take the blinders off and scream my insanity until like an evil presence, it expels itself from my body and I am limp on the ground with exhaustion. I want to let go and let loose all the places I’ve been and all the people I was. The disingenuous one. The dishonest one. The fearful and rageful one. I want to forget and remember everything all at once, maybe even grow a little homesick and grateful too. I want to burn that old brown ranch house down and stay in a straw hut. I want to rub mud all over my body and I want to cleanse myself with a good cry. In one sweeping moment it feels like every sunset is in my head at once. I blink through every soft rain. Every roll of thunder across the planet rumbles in my spirit as I roam and wander with purpose. I want to see the beauty in all things, even things not beautiful. I need to see the world for what it is, not what the news tells me it is. Maybe work in an olive field and crush grapes with my feet; see the pillars of history; the monuments a testament to the decline of Man himself.
It’s almost like I want to see it before it or I go away. My last ditch effort to show my Maker I loved it all. A student on a field trip to a boring museum in the second grade goes back and finds the hidden mysteries in the basement as a thoughtful, curious adult. In the attic unattended. Ghosts whisper where the treasures are and the unwrapped pieces that could have been seen all along had someone just taken off the tan protective paper are right there in the dark abandoned corner. I want to have visions and remove the cobwebs. I want to be fully awake and be horrified and see the glory all at once. Like every moment leading up to that moment brought me to exactly wherever it is that I’ll stand.
A collective moment in consciousness where none of us are alone…least of all you, least of all me. Least of all the ones who ran into the darkness for fear of what they might see because the light was too painful to open our eyes in. See in themselves. See in others. See love for what it is, not for what we thought it was supposed to be or look like. I want to see the galaxy in strangers eyes and meet naked shamen roaming the Earth with water sticks. I want to see what love is despite what “I” thought it was or meant or what it was supposed to be. But let there be no mistake…I loved you.
I want to be awakened. I want to be challenged and walk the tightrope of life and limb, risking it all, following only the omens which tell me which direction to take next. Go to him. Walk away. And, I want to share it with you. I want you to know that since you let go, you let me go too. You let me refocus my energies to expand my horizons and my experiences.
I have no idea if any of it will transpire, but I feel closer to it already. I see the stars in everyday things. I hear passages when the breeze blows through the trees. I feel the truth nip at me with the winter chill…and I prepare. I prepare for the journey, opening all that is possible, welcoming all who will be a part of it. The good and the bad. I am called. I never thought I would be. Billions aren’t. Billions can’t. I am gifted to even aspire. And…if I only get to see HALF of what is out there, or just within a blink of the universe’s eye then I can say I did my best to see and experience as much as possible and revel in the glory that is out there for each of us but only a few of us conspire to take action on. I want to see all the various hues. I want to see rose colored air and mist rising out of the ground and under ocean lakes as stars shoot across the sky faster than I can make a wish.
They say one should write every day.
This was all I could come up with today.
*Unedited because I don’t actually care.
I know where my head was when I wrote it.
I could recite it. And if you heard it,
I could take you there too.
I don’t need a masterpiece.
I AM the masterpiece.
This letter, http://www.cracked.com/blog/a-letter-to-my-wife-day-after-election/ from a husband to his wife the day after elections about sums up the sentiment of every woman yesterday who couldn’t help but to cry at home…and in various offices around the country as they were attempting to do their jobs despite having the U.S. actually stamp the idea into our consciousness, and the consciousness of every woman on the planet that our sanctity, our lives, our freedoms, our safety and our dignity do not matter in the least, and that, the opposite is not only possible, (which we already know when we walk to our cars in an empty parking lot at night) but accepted and celebrated. Our sexuality is “up for grabs.” We were reassured that this behavior; this thought process; this base level of instinctual entitlement to the “right” to demean and belittle women is not only inherent but now a part of a system our mothers worked so diligently to change…using the process to change the process. I also read a piece that a friend shared with me about the brick though the plate glass window of elite society, but for this piece, and for the million of women who sobbed yesterday, pulled it together when they picked the kids up from school and then had to go back to the restroom to sob again before making afternoon snacks, I hope this piece I forward offers some sense of a reprieve.
What America did November 8th was wrong. Conversely, what America did November 8th was right and it makes me so angry I was willing to throw every relationship out the window, sure I could never trust any man who voted for him with my security. Like, somehow, they were secretly admiring a man who “got away with it” and “they would get away with it if they could.”
Yesterday was a huge reckoning of defeat of women. But, it was a huge victory for the voiceless. The one’s who needed a renegade. The one’s who were always picked on until that day the bully found you worth while to sneak off and smoke cigarettes with. And, how, not only were you glad to not get your ass kicked in the back of the wood shed but you felt vindicated by the acceptance of that bully with strength enough to make or break you.
Women lost. All women lost. But, maybe it’s time for the women who lost to listen to the families who are hurting. Those families have women too. And maybe they are suffering a double whammy. Being a woman…AND being poor with no way to feed their babies in an area that is largely ignored because it isn’t a sexy cause. This country has lot’s o’ ‘splainin’ t’ do and maybe this is good time to look inside ourselves and recognize that WE did this. Not just white women. Not just rich people. Not just city dwellers or country folk. We ALL put him in, either as a big fuck you to the elite or as a consequence for embellishing reality television living. Each of us voted for him with our irreverent ambivalence, apathy and lack of concern for each other.
Maybe instead of doing a volunteer vacation to South America, digging ditches for water in a village that needs it, we can go to Alabama or Mississippi and fix their schools and homes. Oh wait, it’s not as lavish to look at rusted out FEMA trailers, is it? Maybe instead of saving elephants in Africa or paying to feed a child in the Philippines, we should be sponsoring a poor child living in the Appalachians.
I still find it near impossible to trust anyone who voted for him. This election clearly triggered a lot of PTSD in me and countless women who reached beyond victim status and worked to thrive…regardless of male entitlement to our pussies; PTSD around the many bad men in my life “who got away with it.” I felt RAPED and VIOLATED all over again, but instead of keeping it a dirty little secret hidden in the bottom of a liquor bottle, it was plastered all over FOX and CNN while the world looked on in horror and disbelief. I felt a deep sense of betrayal and for me, the division widened. Us versus them for me yesterday wasn’t blue versus red or Republican versus Democrat. My mind processed it as PERPETRATOR versus SILENT VICTIM with no voice or recourse. No healing other than a nation collectively evolving into a society where sexual assault is illegal, morally wrong and dreadfully harmful to the psyche.
Yesterday I learned that the psyche of women on a global scale comes second to the anger of hungry, silenced, unsexy disenfranchised people. What I learned was the hierarchy of needs is food first, voice second, security third, not the other way around. What a humbling notion when one has spent their whole life healing from experiences with sexual rape, assault, harassment and bullying. I wanted equality for all. Everyone else just wanted a job to support their families. Rather audacious and entitled of me.
I have sat on this piece for some time now. I have debated whether or not it would do any good. What I summarized was that it would be good for me; cathartic by it’s own right, I write down the words that have been simmering in my head for weeks. I apologize in advance if it triggers anyone else, but hope it also brings about a sense of strength for you, the reader. I’m not trying to put in your face an unfortunate circumstance that happened long ago. I aim only to make sense of it all in my own head. Perhaps my day of reckoning still is not over and it’s on my own time and in my own way that I get to process what my truth really is and what it means to me.
It started when I was five really. I’m not sure how long he waited after my parents walked out the door. His name was Jimmy. He was the local high school football quarterback. I’m not even sure why my parents picked him to be my babysitter. Probably because in my neighborhood, comprised largely of Air Force families, there was a registry of all the teenagers who were eligible babysitters and his name was on it. Also, because he was available. I remember my parents complaining that every time he came over to babysit, he would eat them out of house and home. Growing boy and all that. That was their only complaint.
I remember wearing footed pajamas. Innocuous enough I suppose. I remember the crazy clown picture that my mother innocently put up on my wall as a child. A comforting thought for any terrified small child I imagine where a painted man loomed over my bed watching me. To this day, I consider clowns mental fodder for horrible nightmares. Jimmy sat at the edge of my bed. He directed me to stand in front of him. I distinctly remember him remaining silent for a moment. I have to believe he was testing his own boundaries and mine when he sat there contemplating the challenge ahead before he ordered me to take off my jammies. I remember being scared and not being able to actually “talk.” My fear gripped my throat. I did however try to protest when I told him I didn’t need to change my jammies because my mother had just done so after bath time and before he got there. He said he had to make sure.
I remember unzipping them and his reaching over to touch the outside of my panties. Over the years, I remember feeling his tongue against mine. I was six or seven. I thought it was gross and I remember him chuckling that someday I would like it. He told me he liked it and asked if I wanted to please him. I felt obligated to say yes. I remember feeling his penis and pre cum rub up against my vagina. I was eight. I remember being locked away in my room for my whole life up until that point and that it was nice having a human share some space with me without violence. I remember being in the hospital as a child at eight or nine with a urinary tract infection. I nearly died three times in a row from a fever of one hundred and six. My parents apparently weren’t too worried about any aspect of my health, let alone a spiking fever which nearly took my life.
I remember waking up at the ripe old age of forty when a trigger sent me back into the memory of being mounted on my father, who I also have to believe was in a drunken stupor. That’s okay. Jimmy had well prepared me. My parents had well prepared me. The dentist who raped me as a child had well prepared me. The neighborhood bullies and my violent parents had already prepared me. They had all taught me that silence was golden. They all taught me my place in the world. Locked in a room until someone wanted in to take what they wanted, until they were done with me. And then? They would walk out of that room only to lock the door behind them. Except, i was still in that room. Alone. Gratified that someone found me worth something to sneak in for. I remember the dread that I’d be alone again for an undetermined amount of time as they snuck out. I would endure this for seven years. I remember feeling fulfilled that someone found me worthy of their time. Grossed out that my sheets were messy. I was left to stay in them alone.
At seventeen I was raped after prom. It was no big deal. He was a popular wealthy playboy who suffered no consequence. Who would believe me anyway? At twenty-seven I found myself in an abusive long-term relationship with a violent sociopath that never took no for an answer and was sure that if I just got pregnant that I would never leave. He didn’t take no for an answer long enough for that plan to manifest and I have raised a son alone. It is only in the latter half of my life that I have found any type of recourse and healing. I’m clear, not only that their part in my life was wrong, but also the part that I played in my life. I am no victim today but I see the timeline for what it is.
The recent highlights of entitlement and debauchery hit a certain trigger with me. Young girls being mentioned as dateable in ten years and a “fine piece of ass” bother me a great deal. Oh sure, I have my obnoxious protestations on social media, but it’s hurting a particular part of me. It’s leaving me silent in areas of my life where the training has been successful. I was trained to remain silent. I internalized everything, believing they’d think I was a liar. I lived my life doubting the facts, doubting the believability and validity of my own story. Believing that if I told anyone anything, I’d no longer have intervals of midnight visits to break up the monotony of in-home imprisonment. I’d rather be groomed and used than alone. I welcomed the company after a time because those were the only humans coming in. To be nice to me. To touch me without violence.
By the time I was fourteen, they dynamic changed. While still living with tremendous day to day violence, my mother insisted that she watch me change from my day clothes to my night clothes after an evening of torture. I finally, in a moment of weakness, admitted where the shame had come from in shedding my clothes as I was absolutely unable to comply with her wishes. I told her about Jimmy. And Brian. And all the others before the ripe old age of childhood. She didn’t appear necessarily moved or shocked, but she did report my words to my father, who was dating an eighteen-year-old at the time. He liked her “knockers.”
My babysitter Jimmy was his eighteen-year-old girlfriend’s cousin. They dealt cocaine together. When driving up to the house, I would watch Jimmy leave before I got there. I, at one point, protested enough to make my father uncomfortable and his reply to me was, “What do you want me to do…beat him up (as he threatened to punch me in the face)?” For all the women and children I’d seen my father beat, it would have been a good start. My response was…”no.” I felt great shame for having had it reported and to have the complaint negated just proved what I’d been conditioned to believe. I felt great shame that I didn’t insist more that my father do the right thing. That a young man’s wish was more important than my safety…or security. Needless to say I have a few trust issues. Meh. That’s on me, not on anyone else.
But, that’s what we have today. We have entitlement and men of power refuting her accusations of abuse. Of harassment. Of vile abuse of power. Of belittling, of gaslighting. The power grid is not set up for girls and women to come forward and tell the truth and to have any justice for inequities.
So, you wanna grab a piece of me? Go ahead. Do you want to place your vile hands on my most precious parts? Go for it. You wouldn’t be the first. But, today, I KNOW it is wrong to do that. Today, I have taught my own child that it is wrong. That whatever is in his pants is HIS business and if anyone ever tries to get it in, to just tell them, “that’s none of your business.” I liken it to a cheap shot in a drunken dive bar fight. The infraction doesn’t really mean anything. It’s a power grab and it’s not ABOUT me. It’s about the aggressor, except the vulnerable are left with the side effects. It is a sick social commentary on the inherent lack of internal power males really walk around with. A soul sickness where there is always a yin and always a yang. Vaginas… that which hold so much power and life render us completely at the whim of anyone who needs a kick or a distraction or power.
There was an outing of sorts recently where a person in a position of power was exposed for passive brutality against women and little girls and the female population in general. One-half of the country feigned complete disgust. But, that isn’t the whole truth. The truth is the revelations are ugly and it will cost an entire party a flurry of votes…MAYBE. Apparently, many women came out and described their accounts of sexual abuse and assault. I am not that brave. I write it here where there is a fraction of a fringe population who I know and of that, only a fraction of those people are interested in any words.
I put this together to tell my own story. Get it down on paper. I wanted to validate my own experience without the permission of people who brought me up to not think or see or speak. I need to give my history a voice and I need to remember.
I need to remember that this is more commonplace than we think. I need to remember that this is happening in homes all over the planet. Not only in my nation but others as well. Are we going to subscribe to a level of brutality? We are doing so currently every time we celebrate this kind of tragedy with apathy and compare it yet to still greater evils. Are we going to shadow the next generation of abused children and tell them, “it’s just locker room talk? It’s just locker room antics.” “Well, she just looked so darn cute in her jammies that I couldn’t help myself?” Really? The answer is sadly yes. Yes we are subscribing to it. Some of us are saying, “I’d rather have THIS brand of evil over the OTHER brand of evil.
I cannot subscribe to sweeping poor behavior under the rug. I have experienced first hand exactly what ramifications come from silencing the small voices of the innocent and I will not hold back and remain silent while those in power justify and excuse their inability to control themselves; their righteous indignation that well, “I’m a man, therefore….”
I get nature. I really do. I understand that power stems all the way back to the biggest, meanest caveman conquering his neighbor’s village, stealing all the women, killing all the children and procreating with his own seed to strengthen the clan, building vast empires by stealing women and dominating the landscape. Nations were built from expanding villages.
It seems to me that a strong need for an evolutionary push of the race is needed right about now, not only in my country but around the world. We are no less grotesque than we were ten thousand years ago and it’s frightening. We clawed our way out of the earth for this?
Let me be clear on one more thing, lest any reader think this is a misandrist piece. Women who defend abusers, allowing them free to continue abusive behavior are no better. Just because she’s wearing a power suit and in a stoic courtroom, doesn’t mean it’s any less evil.
The upbringing I had, I’m well aware is one that not everyone had, so not everyone would have the natural recoil that I experience now through this last year of political debauchery.
There is no easy answer. There is no system in place that will change things overnight. I suppose a good start is a chorus of experiences streaming from keyboards across the country that helps us understand each other and perhaps persuade each other of the others’ thought processes. This is mine. I cannot abide by the business as usual politics or lack of social reform. I’m adult enough to see that the greater good is at stake here. Our mission as adults is to protect the weak and innocent from a world of ogres and predators. Not to just protect our girls and women, but everyone who will be touched by the decisions we make. Our sons and brothers who are also being groomed to believe that this only happens in other countries…to other people and that harassment, abuse and downright bullying of the weaker sex is okay.
Dear Mr. Trump… can I call you Mr. Trump? Is that ok? I want you to be happy, that’s very important to me. Before I get started, let me say this letter isn’t from all women. The T…
I wrote a morning letter to the only one who can break me on the regular. Who, as it turns out is not as sweet or true as I had hoped for him to be. I had to make sure the words were inspiring and not angry or remorseful. Not at all sad that of all the time I spent teaching him the right path to take that he still walked to the beat of an offbeat drummer.
He is not allowed out. He is told when to eat. He is told when to sleep. He isn’t allowed to write me a letter with a pen. He looks out peepholes and his voice echoes off concrete and steel. His age still ends with ‘teen’. There is bulletproof glass…three panes thick. The benches are hard and cold. The loneliness and despair have kicked in, but he busies himself with wild visions of himself being a “successful” businessman in dealings that society frowns upon. A modern day Jesse James romanticized until the warden shouts, “light’s OUT!”
Our conversations and letters are monitored. We are only allowed to skype. He shares with me the demons he sees in his sleep and how the voices shout at him when he’s least suspecting a surprise. He asks me if he’s going to die this way. I remind him that he is the master of his own destiny or ruler of his own demise. I remind him that I love him. And I reminisce back to a time when he loved me and wanted to spend time with me. When he wanted me to play pokemon and pet his baby kitty.
That time is over. His big round beautiful eyes have become slanted with experience and hardship; hard earned bouts of delirium and I sit. I sit and I mourn the loss of freedom for such a brilliant soul on a downward spiral of debauchery and an institutionalized life.
I sit and I pray to the saints to watch over and enter into his no longer tender heart. I pray the demons leave his mind and leave him be to find peace and happiness; perhaps change his perspective on what success means.
I don’t send the many letters I’ve written before. I sit and view as my eyes well with tears, and my heart breaks the little cartoons he’s ripped out of the paper and inserted into my incoming letter in a feeble attempt to make me smile.
His baby kitty is an ol’ gal now. I can hear her purr. She’s an overeater. There is nothing to talk about because nothing good is happening to him right now. I’m in a holding pattern too. And…I sit. And, choking back the tears, I write terribly here, a befuddled stream of consciousness so I can return to my letter with hopes to inspire.
I wore the slinky black dress with spaghetti straps. You know the one. Every girl has one in her closet. No bra. No panties, and flip flops. Nudity in two seconds flat if he had just said, “get in the car.” I held myself as a complete and willing slut to the world. Minimal makeup. Slicked pony-tail. Basic and sexual. I was hoping to see him at the gathering and my inner thighs were wet with anticipation.
l liked him. No, I adored him. I found him menacing and almost dangerous with a school boy charm. He was a sadist with a killer smile. I’d observed him from the patio, afraid to go in for a months. He didn’t even know who i was. No, I would hold my hand and gracefully walk into the room and pretend he wasn’t even there, even though I smelled him as I walked across the threshold of the bar. It smelled of primal lust inside with playful banter between lovers. I played it cool and calm, but my nerves frayed as i passed him by as he was speaking with another smitten kitten. I would not interfere. Not with him, nor with her. There seemed to have been a few “hers” since my entry into the scene and I would not compete. I didn’t have to. I knew my value; my worth. But, he was the reason I went to these things in the first place. He made me nervous, but I refused to interject and sat with friends a bit away instead. An hour later, and just two tables over, he texted me demanding that I go say hello to him. I really was just waiting for a friend to finish his sentence, but clearly just one moment more was too long for him.
Along he came up from behind me, a pleasant surpruse when his hand found the back of my neck, his fingertips clearly pressing into my flesh with an extra forceful handful of the base of my scalp, pulling me in closer to his chest, ponytail in hand for extra leverage, as if to say, “Now…I’m here.” He continued jostling my scalp firmly, all the while smiling at me and viewing the other guests at my table, fingers still exerting their power into my neck, the congeniality pouring over as the waitress brought another pint. He had my undivided attention and he knew it. It is the most beautiful thing to allow my body to completely cave into his strength and want more. “Why didn’t you come and say hello”, he asked. “You were busy and I didn’t want to interfere”, I said and smiled sweetly. “You should have come”, and he pinched a small bit of my waist. Really hard…before spanking me twice in front of everyone there.
So, there it was. The dance. He showed me and the table just why he had come. To remind me that he noticed I ignored him. That I made him come to me. That he would not be ignored. Which, is all as it should be. It was official and so it began. The months of observing. Of casual entrances and trivial glances. To all the little details and minimizings of my dress. Of thinking he’d lost interest. To faining my own disinterest for fear of being obvious…or rejected. I didn’t want it to be obvious. I wanted to have something that took on a life of it’s own. He couldn’t have a reason to look somewhere else for that which I so deeply wanted to share. And…tonight? He didn’t. He seemed to enjoy the dance as much as I did and as much as our friends seemed to like watching it. I appreciate nuance. I value it.
He went back to her. We both pretended to pay attention to the people we were with. He was clearly observing me from a distance. ..and smiling. I know because he never left my periphery. No, I would not make this easy for him. I would not just hand myself over like a cheap shot in the dark. We would work for something that felt good and sweet and scary and unstable and comfortable and right all at once. It’s all in the mystery of it, right?
He found me outside, again with my friends. He said he was leaving, perhaps to suggest that I should be leaving now too. We hugged and I thought he was gone. One of my friends was a rather good looking man who i was talking to, when ten minutes later, he came out again. I was rather confused as he came out again. “I thought you left”, I said. We managed a couple of small talk sentences, but largely, there was this sense of frustrating energy. I think people call it chemistry. We cannot talk when we’re around each other. I don’t know why. I can talk to billionaires and transvestites, but when he’s around, I’m speechless. “Now…I’m leaving” and stood there silently. For the life of me, if he was trying to communicate something with his mind, i could not read it, although i would have loved nothing more than the ability to do so. Each of waiting to fill the void with the sound of the others’ voice, canceling the awkward silence. But I refuse to just create noise. Those sounds and the silence must be meaningful. The void is where the butterflies float. It’s there in my stomach and in my mind where I feel most spellbound by him. The anticipation of what’s to come, of what might become between us, of what I can offer and what he has up his schoolboy sleeve.
He departed and I had no choice. Something persuaded me to pull up my phone and I texted, “I like you.” Because it is true. I do like him. It’s my first crush in a very long time. And, even if nothing came of it, I would like him anyway. He responded with, “You’re cute.” And, though, it’s not super sexy or uber kinky, it’s sweet. We can save the other stuff for later. As it would happen, it seems okay that we just dance until later comes.
He came to me in a most angelic way. Powerful and heavenly wings spread widely enough to block out the whole of the sun; providing relief of shade from the blast of his majesty; muscles clenched against the shifts and shadows of our plane; radiating with a pensive lust for every inch of me, an appetite for the forbidden fruit; angels dare not taste and yet, eyes piercing deep within the very base of my soul; love permeating through every vessel as he, a vessel himself carried me away to a forgone place. A place where divine meets flesh and drinks openly from my pool of desire.
With lips arranged in such a pose as to inhale every breath; blessing every inch with his whispers; his heavy breath; a heavenly heat glows as he reaches within, grabbing that which makes me hunger. I am humbled by the celestial force with which he takes my state and rearranges my spirit to an ethereal place where neither time nor space exists…but merely us… in that moment, sublime; without arrogance, tastes of each other, blended with the unholy; the most glorious sin. Bright colors swirl and choirs sing in jubilation as I’m mounted on his glory, riding an impermeable wave of freedom.
My angel came for his.